My life had such a heavy emphasis on politeness and respect, to an extent that if you didn't share the same view, I would guess that you would have trouble appreciating just how much it was a part of me. However, I wouldn't make an assumption about how broadly you view the world, or how many different ways of life you can understand. Surely, just because one doesn't feel as compelled to follow various rules on politeness and respect does not guarantee that that person cannot comprehend why others would.
The fact still stands though. It was a big part of my life. And in my opinion, the majority of the people I met didn't really live with the same views. Was I like, born into the wrong culture, or something? I have to wonder sometimes. Maybe. But that's kind of another topic.
It just made it harder to connect to other people, if you couldn't help thinking stuff like, "Well, the way you said that just bugs me a little." For example, imagine if you said, "There's really no point in being so polite." Sounds pretty reasonable and I agree, there are worse ways to say it (ex: "Well that's stupid! Why would you want to live like that?!"). But still, you're basically saying that my way of living is wrong. I'm aware of (some of) its flaws, but perhaps you're unaware of its strengths. I mean it's not like I don't have my reasons for believing what I believe. And then maybe you're like, "I'm just saying you could be happier if you didn't live your life so politely." To which I would have to say something like, well I appreciate the fact that you're concerned about my happiness [level of sarcasm inversely proportional to the perceived level of concern], but let me say that the things that make one person happy won't necessarily make another person happy. You're assuming that you know what makes me happy better than I do. Now why do you believe that? And then maybe you're like, "Okay, let me guess, you're not going to be completely comfortable with my statement unless I say something like, 'Maybe you could be happier if you tried living with less focus on being polite, I mean, if that's something you haven't already thought about.'" And, well, to be perfectly honest, you're kind of right about that. I mean I'm open to suggestions, but I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, and I'd rather not be told how to live my life either.
It was tied in to that topic on giving advice too. So if you saw my Pipelining game, and you're like, "Hey! You should make a puzzle mode, make the matches faster in vs mode, and put it online," well the words themselves don't convey the feeling completely, because you could be saying it in a "This is what is missing from the game and what is wrong with this game" tone or you could be saying it in an "I think it might make the game better" tone. If it's the former, well, I made the game specifically for my own purposes, and the only time I wouldn't have a problem with you saying that like that is if I was designing the game specifically for you, but I'm not, so... If it's the latter, to give the same feeling on the internet, you might have to say something like, "Maybe you should try..." And then I'd say, well, I actually already made a puzzle mode and it turns out it's a really nice addition. Faster matches to make harassment a viable strategy? That might be the best way to do that without changing the scoring, and that is what I was already considering. And if I knew some reasonably easy way of putting it online, and I cared enough to do it, well, I probably would. But... yeah.
Then there's the "What did you do yesterday? [Expecting an answer]" Why do you want to know? I was doing stuff that I don't want to tell you about. That I can't tell you about. Saving the world on a secret mission, or something.
vs. "Did you do anything interesting yesterday?" Eh, not really. Nothing out of the ordinary, you know.
Or, say you ask someone to do you a favor, like they're going to the store and you give them money and ask them to buy you a candy bar. And then they get back and you're like, "So... you bought that candy bar, right?" or, to be very polite even in my view of politeness, "Did you happen to remember to buy that candy bar?" with the follow up to a no answer after the first implied to be something like, "How could you forget?" and for the second, "Well that's all right, don't worry about it."
And then you're like, "Come on man, that stuff isn't rude, you just-" have extreme views on politeness I know. That's the point. But you know, I'm not trying to say, "Oh no, you shouldn't say things that I think are rude." In fact, I specifically don't want to say that. I'm going to follow what I believe, and I can only expect that you would do the same. But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard to actually connect to people if most of the things they say kind of feel rude to you.
The people I met were all across the board. Sometimes, I had to wonder if people were completely blind to the fact that there was a rather large difference between us with how we talked and how we felt about things. Sometimes I figured, "Ehh, they probably know but don't care enough to change," and I can understand that. Sometimes I could tell that people changed, like they would probably say, "That's so stupid!" to most other people but they'd say "There's really no point..." to me. Or there were even people that could go so far that I was never really bothered by anything they said. When I saw people change to better connect with me then I always wanted to do the same, so those would be times where I'd do my best to try and think of something to say, think of something to say, something to say, say, say... I think that's part of the secret to what those who are good at connecting with others are good at. They get a feeling of how others feel and act, and can mimic it. I've met some people who do it so well that it's kind of scary, like, can they read my mind or something? And then I've also met a few people who seem to share the same feelings and views as I do, to some extent.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
I can't connect with others. (Nothing to say)
Sometimes I see other people talking and I wonder what it is they actually enjoy about their conversations. When I hear conversations like, "Man this food is extremely awful." "Yeah, I know, this cafeteria food is the worst." "It's even worse than it was last year," as people eat their cafeteria food, I mean I dunno, it's like, I... guess... that's a good time to discuss that very exciting topic... or something. Or then there are the ones that go like, "That was awesome!" "No it was terrible!" "No you're stupid!" "No you're stupid!" And then the people walk away semi-upset but somehow better friends than before, or something. Or there are the ones that are like, "What did you do yesterday?" "Stuff." "Cool." or "How are you today?" "Fine." "Good." And the people move on, satisfied with their worthwhile exchange of words, or something.
And I laugh at myself and my overemphasizing, knowing full well that I do understand it somewhat.
I suppose a natural question to me would then be, "So, you never have anything you want to say to other people?" to which I would answer, well, for the most part, no, not really. But, yes, I do, occasionally. And then, not having anything more specific to say immediately after, there's a reasonable chance that I would unintentionally force the person asking the initial question to then have to actually ask the very obvious follow up question that most people would have answered naturally anyway.
Honestly though, I don't think that there are many people that want to talk with me about the things I want to talk about. When I got 167,000 on Pipelining timed, easy, that was something I would have loved to talk about. But who really cares about that? It's a personally created game that no one besides me has ever played for any significant amount of time. I mean, anyone could say, "Yeah, sure, that's nice," but before you could even hope to understand the significance behind the score, there was so much more to be said. It would go something like:
60 piece matches are the most efficient way of scoring. The highest scoring 60 piece match that I could hope to do consistently usually scored around 49000, but it was luck based, and could drop to 45-47K if you're unlucky (and you don't fill up/give up). The time to make and clear the match was around 60-75 seconds for me, and the game was 200 seconds long. As such, the high scores had stacked around 145-148K, as I could get 3 full matches and perhaps an extra thousand points or so if there were a few seconds remaining. Since short matches were worth so little, there was a lot more importance on getting 3 high scoring matches. The barrier to break then was 150K. I realized there was a strategy adjustment I could make that was basically as easy to pull off consistently and it scored 50090 max, but could generally get 49500 or so (barring bad luck, which was always a potential problem). Using the adjustment, I broke the 150K barrier, which was pretty cool itself. But then I got faster. That was the significant improvement. That is what the 17,000 over 150,000 clearly implies. Before setting 167000 I was having 20-30 seconds left over at the end, and suddenly the 4th match was no longer some barely important tie breaking 1000 points, it was now 8000, 10000 points. And on my record run I had like 40 seconds left and I got probably 20000 points on the last match. The speed increase shifts the focus of the game again, and now speed becomes more important than max points on the full matches, because if you're fast enough, the last match becomes a long match and then every extra second is an extra second to extend that last match a couple pieces, and every couple pieces is now an extra 1000 points or more. What's really exciting is that I built up and brought down a full match in 50 seconds once! I mean I'm not actually actively playing the game anymore, but if I was, you know what that means. It means 200000 is the next target, and it's actually achievable, albeit extremely difficult and luck based with the current strategies and skill level of the best player, you know.
Or, well, no, you don't know. And you probably don't really care that much about it either, do you. I mean, I can understand that.
Maybe though, maybe you like Mario Kart Wii or something. Well, if you want to talk about what I (or you) like (or hate) about the game, or what is good or bad about the game, I'm probably not going to have anything to say. Maybe if it was that you wanted to hear about a story of a clan, or of a war, or of a race, then I might have something to say. Or if you wanted to talk about the tension and excitement in racing in 2nd trying to overcome 1st.
See, I believed in myself to be able to do that. Especially in draft range. If 1st doesn't have an item it's a free pass. Staying in the line well enough isn't really the challenge, well, it can be a hard thing to do, but I mean, it's something that should be doable. And then if you have an item too, you ought to take the lead no problem, you know, at least, that's how I always feel about it. Yeah I always remember the item counts, like, you see them pull out an item, so that's their only one, or they just go through a box so they have 2. The guy with more items gets free shots at the opponent, well, mostly free, maybe you risk dropping a banana and then getting a fib in first and the guy in 2nd gets a red, and well yeah. But you pay attention to the item counts and know when you have to be careful and probably dodge something. And then in 2nd, there's a way you can draft the person in 1st and dodge any item they drop just by aiming well enough. There's one problem though: the person in first could expect it, and then they jump in front of you and drop an item and you aren't dodging that on reaction. Still, unless you're playing against one of the tip top racers, you probably don't have to worry about that. You get that draft, drive a bit to the side to dodge an item drop and then through them to force them to break their wheelie or get bumped, and then you have the lead. But you've got to look back regularly, to counter their play. When I see someone going for the draft, I always try to drive an adjusted line so they can't get it, or if they're still there, I might hop out of a wheelie and yeah it slows you down, but as long as you hop around directly in front of them, how are they going to make the pass? It lets them close the distance a bit, but if they're not slow (slower than you at least), you're not going to pull out of draft range by driving standard lines or keeping your wheelie. It keeps your first at least. Or do you think there's a better way to play it?
Well, you're probably not a high level competitive racer, so let me guess, you have nothing to say.
Then, you could say something like, "You like anime? I like anime too!" To which I would have no response. "What's your favorite anime?" Um... nothing to say. "What types do you like?" Uh... nothing to say. "Hm... You watched Madoka? Did you like it?" Um... sure. "Who's your favorite character?" Uh... nothing to say. "I love Naruto!" Nothing. "I hate the people who love Naruto!" Nothing. "Do you think that anime can emphasize the often contradictory notions that people have by portraying situations in which the viewer will feel a certain way, even though the events that are occurring, when interpreted differently, would evoke the opposite feelings?" Um... I don't know, but that sounds plausible and maybe I have something to say about that, but I don't have anything specific to say at the moment, maybe in an hour or so I'll have a general idea of my feelings on the answer to that question...
And then you're like, "All right, I get it. You don't want to talk about your own opinions. So let's talk about something like math! You are a mathematician and all." It's like, well, what is there to say? Is there some specific math topic you want to know about that I understand well enough to talk about? Or is there something cool you know that I don't? Because otherwise I don't really have anything to say, you know. I just don't have anything to say!
I could listen though. If you wanted to talk, I could be a very extremely nonjudgmental listener. But if it was something to say... I don't even know what there is that I would want to talk about. Shared interests? Shared memories? Well, I guess those are possibilities. Or, if there was some way to get a full point across, uninterrupted, without having to worry about opinionated people trying to tell you how wrong or right you are before you even complete your entire point, I guess in that situation I would say more of the things that I actually wanted to say. But I don't know what those things would be.
And I laugh at myself and my overemphasizing, knowing full well that I do understand it somewhat.
I suppose a natural question to me would then be, "So, you never have anything you want to say to other people?" to which I would answer, well, for the most part, no, not really. But, yes, I do, occasionally. And then, not having anything more specific to say immediately after, there's a reasonable chance that I would unintentionally force the person asking the initial question to then have to actually ask the very obvious follow up question that most people would have answered naturally anyway.
Honestly though, I don't think that there are many people that want to talk with me about the things I want to talk about. When I got 167,000 on Pipelining timed, easy, that was something I would have loved to talk about. But who really cares about that? It's a personally created game that no one besides me has ever played for any significant amount of time. I mean, anyone could say, "Yeah, sure, that's nice," but before you could even hope to understand the significance behind the score, there was so much more to be said. It would go something like:
60 piece matches are the most efficient way of scoring. The highest scoring 60 piece match that I could hope to do consistently usually scored around 49000, but it was luck based, and could drop to 45-47K if you're unlucky (and you don't fill up/give up). The time to make and clear the match was around 60-75 seconds for me, and the game was 200 seconds long. As such, the high scores had stacked around 145-148K, as I could get 3 full matches and perhaps an extra thousand points or so if there were a few seconds remaining. Since short matches were worth so little, there was a lot more importance on getting 3 high scoring matches. The barrier to break then was 150K. I realized there was a strategy adjustment I could make that was basically as easy to pull off consistently and it scored 50090 max, but could generally get 49500 or so (barring bad luck, which was always a potential problem). Using the adjustment, I broke the 150K barrier, which was pretty cool itself. But then I got faster. That was the significant improvement. That is what the 17,000 over 150,000 clearly implies. Before setting 167000 I was having 20-30 seconds left over at the end, and suddenly the 4th match was no longer some barely important tie breaking 1000 points, it was now 8000, 10000 points. And on my record run I had like 40 seconds left and I got probably 20000 points on the last match. The speed increase shifts the focus of the game again, and now speed becomes more important than max points on the full matches, because if you're fast enough, the last match becomes a long match and then every extra second is an extra second to extend that last match a couple pieces, and every couple pieces is now an extra 1000 points or more. What's really exciting is that I built up and brought down a full match in 50 seconds once! I mean I'm not actually actively playing the game anymore, but if I was, you know what that means. It means 200000 is the next target, and it's actually achievable, albeit extremely difficult and luck based with the current strategies and skill level of the best player, you know.
Or, well, no, you don't know. And you probably don't really care that much about it either, do you. I mean, I can understand that.
Maybe though, maybe you like Mario Kart Wii or something. Well, if you want to talk about what I (or you) like (or hate) about the game, or what is good or bad about the game, I'm probably not going to have anything to say. Maybe if it was that you wanted to hear about a story of a clan, or of a war, or of a race, then I might have something to say. Or if you wanted to talk about the tension and excitement in racing in 2nd trying to overcome 1st.
See, I believed in myself to be able to do that. Especially in draft range. If 1st doesn't have an item it's a free pass. Staying in the line well enough isn't really the challenge, well, it can be a hard thing to do, but I mean, it's something that should be doable. And then if you have an item too, you ought to take the lead no problem, you know, at least, that's how I always feel about it. Yeah I always remember the item counts, like, you see them pull out an item, so that's their only one, or they just go through a box so they have 2. The guy with more items gets free shots at the opponent, well, mostly free, maybe you risk dropping a banana and then getting a fib in first and the guy in 2nd gets a red, and well yeah. But you pay attention to the item counts and know when you have to be careful and probably dodge something. And then in 2nd, there's a way you can draft the person in 1st and dodge any item they drop just by aiming well enough. There's one problem though: the person in first could expect it, and then they jump in front of you and drop an item and you aren't dodging that on reaction. Still, unless you're playing against one of the tip top racers, you probably don't have to worry about that. You get that draft, drive a bit to the side to dodge an item drop and then through them to force them to break their wheelie or get bumped, and then you have the lead. But you've got to look back regularly, to counter their play. When I see someone going for the draft, I always try to drive an adjusted line so they can't get it, or if they're still there, I might hop out of a wheelie and yeah it slows you down, but as long as you hop around directly in front of them, how are they going to make the pass? It lets them close the distance a bit, but if they're not slow (slower than you at least), you're not going to pull out of draft range by driving standard lines or keeping your wheelie. It keeps your first at least. Or do you think there's a better way to play it?
Well, you're probably not a high level competitive racer, so let me guess, you have nothing to say.
Then, you could say something like, "You like anime? I like anime too!" To which I would have no response. "What's your favorite anime?" Um... nothing to say. "What types do you like?" Uh... nothing to say. "Hm... You watched Madoka? Did you like it?" Um... sure. "Who's your favorite character?" Uh... nothing to say. "I love Naruto!" Nothing. "I hate the people who love Naruto!" Nothing. "Do you think that anime can emphasize the often contradictory notions that people have by portraying situations in which the viewer will feel a certain way, even though the events that are occurring, when interpreted differently, would evoke the opposite feelings?" Um... I don't know, but that sounds plausible and maybe I have something to say about that, but I don't have anything specific to say at the moment, maybe in an hour or so I'll have a general idea of my feelings on the answer to that question...
And then you're like, "All right, I get it. You don't want to talk about your own opinions. So let's talk about something like math! You are a mathematician and all." It's like, well, what is there to say? Is there some specific math topic you want to know about that I understand well enough to talk about? Or is there something cool you know that I don't? Because otherwise I don't really have anything to say, you know. I just don't have anything to say!
I could listen though. If you wanted to talk, I could be a very extremely nonjudgmental listener. But if it was something to say... I don't even know what there is that I would want to talk about. Shared interests? Shared memories? Well, I guess those are possibilities. Or, if there was some way to get a full point across, uninterrupted, without having to worry about opinionated people trying to tell you how wrong or right you are before you even complete your entire point, I guess in that situation I would say more of the things that I actually wanted to say. But I don't know what those things would be.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
I can't connect with others. (The Opinionated)
You know, I'm not really very strongly opinionated. And, to be honest, you could say that that's quite an understatement. And yeah, that may be how I am, but it's not like I have a problem with people who are really opinionated. is what I say, but I don't know, maybe that's not completely true. Actually, no, that's not true at all! I have a big problem with people who have strong opinions. Yeah, you hear that?! I have a problem with you guys out there! Yes, you! You got a problem with that?! Huh?!! Eh! Ahem.
It's not like I have a problem with people who are really opinionated. I mean I could work together perfectly on a project with someone who has strong opinions, and it's not like I'm going to dislike you just because of something like that. But if you wanted to actually connect with me...
See, if you're just going to say something like, "This is the best/worst thing ever," as a fact, you might as well at the same time say, "and I am completely disregarding and disrespecting your opinion, as it means nothing whatsoever to me, and neither do the opinions of anyone out there who might disagree with me." I mean if you're going to say something like that, how am I supposed to respond? You want me to agree with you? Argue the other side? I mean I could say, "Sure, yeah, uh huh," but that's not very interesting. And it's not like I'm going to want to try and change your opinion. And why should I bother to even give an opinion if you don't care about it anyway?
People ask anyway though. They say stuff like, "Hey, do you like such and such" and it's always a hard question for me to answer. A lot of times the most complete answer would be something like, "Well, there are a lot of specific things about it that I like, but there are also a lot of things that I don't like, so at best it's slightly leaning towards one side, but I can't really give a conclusive answer..." Yeah, I never actually said that to anyone. Usually I just chose one side and answered that way.
And then people are like, "Well I thought the opposite, so why do you have that opinion?" and it's like, "I don't know, I don't even feel that strongly about it at all, so I don't know what you expect me to say, but..." Or they're like, "Yeah, your opinion is completely right-" no. No, it's not. It's just my opinion, I'm not saying that it's right or wrong, and I don't have a problem with all the other people out there that have the opposite opinion, and...
And then they think they're right about things, and they're like, "The prior distribution for the noise in this inverse problem is inverse gamma because I think it should be, that guy is an idiot, anything that I like is good because I like it, and I understand exactly who you are, I mean you said it right there, 'I have a big problem with people who have strong opinions.'" And it's like no, no, I mean, I know it's hard to understand, but I don't live with a one sided view, I don't live with a one sided view. And have you at least attempted to show why that's a good assumption for the noise? Do you even really know that guy, I mean, really know that guy? And is there something so special about you, because I could say that same thing but have a different opinion, so that statement can't be true for multiple people at the same time.
And then ironically, my guess is that the people that I really could connect to would be like, "Hmm... maybe I am like that," and then the people that I had trouble connecting to would be like, "Yeah, I know how you feel, I hate people like that too-" no. No, I don't hate people like that! I wouldn't hate people for something like that. And by the way you kind of are like that yourself!
It's not like I have a problem with people who are really opinionated. I mean I could work together perfectly on a project with someone who has strong opinions, and it's not like I'm going to dislike you just because of something like that. But if you wanted to actually connect with me...
See, if you're just going to say something like, "This is the best/worst thing ever," as a fact, you might as well at the same time say, "and I am completely disregarding and disrespecting your opinion, as it means nothing whatsoever to me, and neither do the opinions of anyone out there who might disagree with me." I mean if you're going to say something like that, how am I supposed to respond? You want me to agree with you? Argue the other side? I mean I could say, "Sure, yeah, uh huh," but that's not very interesting. And it's not like I'm going to want to try and change your opinion. And why should I bother to even give an opinion if you don't care about it anyway?
People ask anyway though. They say stuff like, "Hey, do you like such and such" and it's always a hard question for me to answer. A lot of times the most complete answer would be something like, "Well, there are a lot of specific things about it that I like, but there are also a lot of things that I don't like, so at best it's slightly leaning towards one side, but I can't really give a conclusive answer..." Yeah, I never actually said that to anyone. Usually I just chose one side and answered that way.
And then people are like, "Well I thought the opposite, so why do you have that opinion?" and it's like, "I don't know, I don't even feel that strongly about it at all, so I don't know what you expect me to say, but..." Or they're like, "Yeah, your opinion is completely right-" no. No, it's not. It's just my opinion, I'm not saying that it's right or wrong, and I don't have a problem with all the other people out there that have the opposite opinion, and...
And then they think they're right about things, and they're like, "The prior distribution for the noise in this inverse problem is inverse gamma because I think it should be, that guy is an idiot, anything that I like is good because I like it, and I understand exactly who you are, I mean you said it right there, 'I have a big problem with people who have strong opinions.'" And it's like no, no, I mean, I know it's hard to understand, but I don't live with a one sided view, I don't live with a one sided view. And have you at least attempted to show why that's a good assumption for the noise? Do you even really know that guy, I mean, really know that guy? And is there something so special about you, because I could say that same thing but have a different opinion, so that statement can't be true for multiple people at the same time.
And then ironically, my guess is that the people that I really could connect to would be like, "Hmm... maybe I am like that," and then the people that I had trouble connecting to would be like, "Yeah, I know how you feel, I hate people like that too-" no. No, I don't hate people like that! I wouldn't hate people for something like that. And by the way you kind of are like that yourself!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Competitions, and a competition
I don’t face many challengers, but I suppose that’s
understandable. Why would anyone
believe that they could be a challenge for me? If you were to think such a thing, I would have to show you
that it’s pointless. Would you
compete against me with the intention of winning? Because I don’t intend to lose.
Although I can’t yet beat everyone in everything. So, it would come as no surprise if you
were to manage to beat me in one thing.
In fact, it would be rather pitiful if you couldn’t. But what of it? Would you think that it actually meant
something? Would you try and make
something out of it, overlooking all of your inabilities? Something foolish like that?
Or maybe you would try to actually accomplish something against me, though
you must understand the massive stockpile of abilities, resources, and
strategies I hold, all ready to be used in full at any moment. Do you think you can overcome
that? Hahaha of course not.
Hahaha ahem.
I’m just joking. In all
seriousness, I’m never serious.
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