I don’t face many challengers, but I suppose that’s
understandable. Why would anyone
believe that they could be a challenge for me? If you were to think such a thing, I would have to show you
that it’s pointless. Would you
compete against me with the intention of winning? Because I don’t intend to lose.
Although I can’t yet beat everyone in everything. So, it would come as no surprise if you
were to manage to beat me in one thing.
In fact, it would be rather pitiful if you couldn’t. But what of it? Would you think that it actually meant
something? Would you try and make
something out of it, overlooking all of your inabilities? Something foolish like that?
Or maybe you would try to actually accomplish something against me, though
you must understand the massive stockpile of abilities, resources, and
strategies I hold, all ready to be used in full at any moment. Do you think you can overcome
that? Hahaha of course not.
Hahaha ahem.
I’m just joking. In all
seriousness, I’m never serious.
It was something that wasn’t always obvious behind a quiet
exterior and a passive personality, but I was extremely competitive. In general, I enjoyed almost anything
that was competitive. But I don’t
think I saw competition in the same manner as other people often did. It wasn’t as much about winning and
losing for me.
Although I must say I hate to lose. There was nothing more frustrating than
losing when I felt I had a chance to win.
And that was what fired me up and made me demand for rematches until I
won, fair and square, in a true battle, no holding back, putting everything on
the line, with honor, reputation, and everything we’ve ever believed about
ourselves at stake!..
Which led to the type of paradox that was such a big part of
my life. Because I don’t really
want to play against someone who I’ll probably win against. Where’s the fun in that? So I hate losing, but I love playing
against people who I’m probably going to lose to. So in the end it wasn’t so much about winning and
losing. I mean the goal was to win
so I wasn’t going to be disappointed if I won. And as long as I thought I could win then I had fun even if
I lost, so that didn’t matter too much either.
But it was true.
I’d rather play a game where I was most likely going to lose. Which meant I’d love to find people who
could beat me at the things I enjoyed doing. Sometimes I threw out stuff that could be seen as a broad
challenge to anyone out there, daring anyone to say, “Hey, I’m better than
you.” I mean, I’m sure they’re out
there. People who are better than
me at something. You may have to
search far and wide to find them, covering all four corners of this round
earth, but I’m sure they’re out there…
Somewhere… I’m not sure
I’ll ever meet them though.
Ever… I mean to think of
how few and far between they must be…
I mean, to think, that somehow, someway, someone, that I knew, could possibly be better than me at something that I did… Well that’s actually just unthinkable
right?
A couple of my friends are better than me at osu!. And when I say better than me, it’s not
something that was like, well, you know, maybe if I got lucky I could beat them…
No. They were, better than me. A month ago when I got into the game
again I would have been celebrating a full combo on normal and they’d be like,
“Really? I could hidden sight read
fc that on hard and get an fc on insane after a few tries.” I played them in versus and it was no
match at all. It wasn’t even the
exciting kind of match where I might somehow find a way to win with effort or special strategies... I wasn’t going to win. That much was painfully obvious. And because I liked osu!, everything
lined up. This competition was
going to bring out my power more than almost anything else. With the expectation that I should win,
the drive from losing, my past experiences and abilities, the opportunities in
the present, the potential in the future and the fun in the challenge, I was
ready to go at them with everything I had. There’s no way I’ll lose! There’s no way I’ll
lose!!!
At least, not if they don’t earn the win. I intend to push them to #1 in the
world if they want to stop me, and even then I’ll keep chasing them! And I laughed as I told myself, “There are things that you aren’t good at, and
it’s entirely possible that osu! might be one of them. You know what they say, you can’t be
good at everything.” “Yeah, and?!”
I replied, “Do you mean to imply that that is a reason not to try??”
Well, last week I was so much better than I was a month ago,
and now I’m so much better than I was last week. But I’m not overconfident, and I’m not a fool and I’m not
ignorant. They’re still better
than me. But we’ll see what
happens.
Heh, I had a feeling I'd know what this post would be about when I read the title.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger, I thought I hated competition. I felt like it drove a wedge between me and the people I knew, and that it led to unnecessary conflict. It got to the point I didn't even want to play competitive multiplayer against my friends, always opting to play a co-op mode instead. It wasn't until later that, to the contrary, I was a very competitive person, just not in the winning-losing sense. I found that there were a number of things I was good at (or had the potential to be good at), but that I didn't often have the drive to get better at them. I mean, I made pretty poor competition for myself, since nothing was ever good enough for me. As far as video games were concerned, the only other competition I had were the global leaders, and as much as I wanted to be in that position, it's hard to motivate yourself to climb to a mountain when you're at the bottom. It's like, you read the step-by-step guide to climbing mountains, and it says Step 1: Climb the mountain. When you feel like you've made no progress until you're already there, it's hard to get yourself to do it. That's kind of why I'm hesitant to pick up RTS games or fighters, because I've never really known anyone who played them until college, and so I've never really played them myself. Those kinds of games are designed for one-on-one competition, and since none of my friends played them, I'd never be able to find anyone to play with, so I never started. Then I got to college, and met all sorts of people who were crazy good at them. Now I wished I'd played them when I was younger, because I barely know the basics, while everyone else I know is already at the top of at the mountain. So it's hard to sit down and start. I've got nothing against losing against you guys, but the gap is so huge, I don't think I'd actually learn anything from losing.
But if you've got friends who are at the same level you are, climbing that mountain is so much easier. It's not Step 1: Climb the mountain. It's Step 1: Get past your friend, who's 10 feet above you. Step 2: Laugh at him. Step 3: Wake up, and realize he's 10 feet above you again. Step 4: Repeat steps 1-3. It breaks down the mountain into considerably easier, and considerably more fun, subtasks. It also means you're climbing the mountain with someone, who sees you where you are, and who'll get sad if you give up, and who'll get motivated to climb faster when you do. And before you know it, you're both at the top. So as it turned out, I love competition. Cooperative competition, if that makes any sense at all.
I love Guitar Hero and Rock Band, but all my friends who were climbing that mountain with me went their separate ways, and they're all climbing other mountains now. So I basically dropped that game after I got to college, because I could no longer share the little successes with others, and wake up to realize they'd already beaten my hard-earned scores. I'd pick it back up in a heartbeat if I found people who could play it at my level, but I've found none thus far, and I know it's a really expensive game to boot. My interest in it got rekindled just last semester, when I found out how to chart my own songs and play them. Now I have a reason to play it again, even if no one's ragging me to beat their scores, and it's always fun to play it with you guys when you're here. But the competitive spirit is probably gone.
Gaming is one of my biggest hobbies, and it's a really competitive hobby, so it's weird that I've done very little of the competitive part lately. My focuses over the years have been on RPG's, FPS's, and rhythm games. The first category is hardly competitive, and I've fallen out of the second since high school (same reason as GH/RB). That just leaves the last category, which is a perfectly competitive genre. But it seemed like everyone played a different one. I still pull out the Beatmania simulator on my PC every now and then, but I know how much dedication that game takes (8 buttons!), and I don't know if I can make the leap to where you guys are now. I really like DDR, and I want to get better at it, but due to its bulkiness and my current living situation, it's hard to find time I can sit down (stand up?) and play it. And I like to think I'm better than I was at the DDR tournament last year, but I know I barely qualify as a "DDR player" as I am. I know it's an expensive game to play too, seeing as even a good foam pad can cost 80-90 bucks, and my metal pad cost me 350, so it's hardly reasonable to get other newbies to play it with me. I mean, there's Stepmania, but that's basically a different game entirely, like Beatmania with half the buttons.
ReplyDeleteThen there's osu!. It's free, it's got the kind of music I like, and it's ridiculously competitive. And it's a rhythm game, my favorite genre. I all but gave up the game a few months after I started because I was pretty frustrated with my progress, and I didn't know anyone else who played it (except Chaeha, who introduced me to the game, but he didn't really play it back then either, probably for the same reason). But then I picked it up again a few months ago, when I decided on a whim to purchase a tablet, and I guess I mentioned it enough times during club meetings that I got Chaeha to start playing it again. And then I learned you played it, and I got really excited again, because I knew how good you tended to be at things. Finally, a mountain I can climb with friends! Now half my free time goes into this game alone.
It's why I tease Chaeha regularly about osu!, because I've found it motivates him to make me eat my words. It's also why I decided to buy him a tablet for his birthday (he'll be getting it this Friday, when I know all his finals will be over), because I know it'll get him really fired up (I wonder if he's gonna read this). You guys are basically the reason I'm still playing this game. There are a lot of times I felt like I hit a brick wall (actually, I'm going through one of those right now), and the reason I didn't quit was because I knew if I did, you guys would fly right by me.
And I know you don't think very highly of yourself at osu!, but at the pace you're going, we won't be better for long. Not to mention you're legitimately good at Flashlight (meaning you can use it on difficulties besides Easy/Normal), which very few people are. You'll have an easier time ranking songs, because you'll have a better accuracy then all the people who use Double Time. I tried ranking on 15 Words, but only got to #66 because I couldn't get a very good accuracy on it (~94%) with Hidden + Hard Rock + Double Time. I was able to FC it with just Flashlight, but that was basically because the notes were close enough together that I only needed to remember a few things and could let my reflexes take care of the rest, and I wasn't able to add any other mods to it. So I guess that just means I'll have to get really good at DT. (Wait, that doesn't even make any sense)
The funny thing is that I've always been good competition for myself. For me, at least for difficult things, success is always a big accomplishment, while failure isn't really something to be disappointed about. And my own record is a pretty high goal, the best I've ever done in something, so I can often find motivation going against that.
DeleteI definitely understand that mountain analogy. If I actually want to try and become really good at something instead of just having fun, then that's when I can feel like I'm never going to get as good as I want to be because it would take so much effort. If that happens, then I have to have some other reason for going on, like really enjoying the activity or having someone to compete against.
For osu! I'm pretty sure I would have stopped playing with how frustrated I feel with the game. It's like, I can read the notes, I have good accuracy, but now it's just a game of: can I move the mouse over every note without accidentally moving too far or too short or at the wrong angle. And if I miss one note, well there goes any chance of getting a decent score. I don't even know if I'm playing a rhythm game or a pure mouse control game. is what I sometimes feel like, but I felt like that a couple of weeks ago and now I know that I really couldn't read the notes that well back then. Back then I kept playing just to reach your guys' level, and it's still keeping me going. My mouse control is still improving, and when I can finally consistently not miss notes, I'll have a reasonable chance of beating you guys in a versus match. At least, I think so.
Oh yeah, I guess I'll just keep a tablet as my trump card, so I can say, "Heheheh, you thought that was the best I could do, but I'm even better with a tablet!!!" But I do plan on sticking with a mouse for a long time.