Thank yous and apologies

Well it's Thanksgiving.  But, I don't plan on talking just about what I'm thankful for.
Of course, it's not that I'm not thankful for a lot of things, because I did have a lot of things to be thankful for.  Being fortunate, being lucky, having a lot of opportunities, all of that.  But I was well aware of that every day.  I just... wasn't the kind of person to say it all the time.

Running

The Turkey Trot (a 5K race on Thanksgiving) is tomorrow and I'm excited for it.

Although... I haven't run in a long time, so I can't expect to do that well.  But I'm still going to give it everything I've got!

But you know, running, man, now that's a tough sport.  Basically, you can't say you ran a race well unless you really pushed your limits.  And when you push your limits, it hurts.  And if you're not a pro runner, you're going to really struggle during the race (although I'd guess that even pro runners struggle too).  And you're not going to be winning gold, setting course records and all that, so often you have nothing other than yourself to motivate you.  I mean, there might be the occasional crowd that cheers for you or a friend running next to you, but other than that, it's an empty track, or spectators that don't care about you, or other runners who probably aren't going to be encouraging you on.  And then you finish and collapse to the ground exhausted, feeling on the verge of passing out or throwing up, going through the rest of the day tired and with a headache and so on...

Why am I even looking forward to it anyway??  I don't actually know; in fact I'm starting to reconsider...  No! I have to commit myself to the idea that I like being in pain running!

Yeah, I have my experiences in the sport of running.  I remember my cross country days in high school...
But that's another story.

Proof

Although I received a degree in applied mathematics, I might have preferred the theoretical side.  I mean, I always wanted to see things proven mathematically, and I was pretty good at proving things myself.

I guess that's one cool thing about math.  If you want to make a statement, you prove that it's true.  From the basic definitions of addition, multiplication, and so on, you can go on to prove entire branches of mathematics.  It wasn't something like, say, world views or ways of life, where it was basically impossible to prove anything right or wrong.

You would think that math majors would be pretty good at proofs, but still, you can find math majors that aren't that good at proving things.  Maybe a lot of people in general aren't good at understanding the things that are required for proving statements.  (Of course, I can't prove that, so, maybe it's true.  Maybe it isn't.)  If you want to see if you understand some about proofs, here's a simple example I read from a book (I might add that whether or not you get the answer right or wrong, I don't think it proves anything about your ability to prove things):

There are cards that have a letter on one side and a number on the other side.  Someone makes the statement, "Every card with a vowel has an odd number on the other side."  You want to test if this statement is true.  Say you have 4 cards on the table, and what you see face up on the table is: A, D, 2, and 5.  Which cards are necessary to turn over to see if the statement is true for those 4 cards?

"Every card with a vowel has an odd number on the other side."
Which cards do you have to turn over to test this statement?
(It is guaranteed that there is a letter on one side of each card and a number on the other.)

I can't accept that. I can do anything!!!

I don't know why I keep on reading stuff that I know I'll find annoying, not do anything about, and get annoyed by because I never did anything about it, but I do.  Anyway, while I was reading stuff that annoyed me, I came across a particular comment that annoyed me, one part of it being:

Many people realize that unless they change their life around fighting games they will always be a pot monster [one who pays to enter tournaments and loses].  Even then you may just not be talented enough.  This is the reality of the world.  The idea that anyone could be anything is bullshit.  So its easier to sit back, have fun, and spam Floe faces in stream chat.

I can't accept that.  I can't accept that!  I essentially live my life devoted to the belief that that is not true, and personally, I believe that
you should too.

There are wrong opinions

Take being gay for example.  It's so bad that it's an insult.  "You're gay!" or "That object is gay!" or even "That thing that happened just now was 'gay'!"  Oh man, who wants to be gay.  To me, it seems like that would be something you wouldn't want to tell other people, considering that many people will probably see it as a bad thing.
Or, maybe you're a grown adult and you like, say, the Power Rangers.  Most people would say, "Ugh, that's weird," or something.  Or if you're in high school and you like studying.  Who likes studying?  See, those were bad things to like; they were bad preferences.  Or maybe you're a gamer who doesn't like... The Legend of Zelda.  It's only one of the best games of all time, how can you not like it?

But then there were always exceptions and special cases and the like.  Imagine if you're hanging out with people who don't like video games.  Then it's more like, "You like the Legend of Zelda?  Who wastes their time on things like that?"  And then there're the people who are like, "Oh I don't like the Power Rangers now, but when I was 12 I loved them, I mean, who didn't love them when they were 12?"  You see, in some situations it can be a bad opinion to like the Legend of Zelda or to not like Power Rangers.

They say your true friends won't leave you because of your opinions.  But I don't know, can they accept you being gay?  Or, maybe they would never have been "true" friends, but you could have gotten along with them just fine if you didn't say that you liked the Power Rangers.  Sure, they weren't my true friends, but I can't say that I think that that means it's fine for me to alienate them by expressing a wrong opinion.

Imagine this: you're with a group of people you hang out with and you say you like broccoli.  But, these people not only hate broccoli, they hate people who like broccoli.  Man you're screwed.

See, you always have to be aware of what the wrong opinions are in any situation.  The problem is, these wrong opinions can vary constantly with time and place, and even contradict themselves often.  How can you deal with that?  Well, being the genius that I am, I naturally have an answer.

Breaking the themes

If you've read a string of consecutive posts, you've most likely noticed that there were a lot of progressions.  Topics that were somewhat connected that all moved towards a larger point.  And, it had been my intention to continue on in this manner, with slight variations (smaller subsections that seem to be focused on a single point but are actually connected with other sections that tie together to make an even larger point, etc, etc), but I found out something.

I didn't want to do it.  No matter what, it always seemed to be the case that whatever I wanted to write about would be the next series, the next topic, but I couldn't let myself do it because it would break the sequence.  And then, when I got to that next topic, I found out that I didn't really want to write about that, what I actually wanted to write about was the thing I was planning on writing about after that.  As such, I had everything I wanted to say planned out... for the next topic.  And then I would reach it, lose interest in it, and go on to think about the next topic.

So, I figured, why not just write the next series now?  And if I got bored with that, why not go with the next next one?  Or go back to the first one?  Or just jump around randomly?  It would probably be better than half-hearted attempts at following an ordered sequence.

With that in mind, what follows from now, instead of a perhaps seemingly unrelated set that ties together, will probably be seemingly unrelated sets that are randomly thrown together in an actually unrelated way.  Look forward to it!

Designing Optimal Strategies

With the amount of competition that many games can produce (competitions can arise even out of games without a real built in way to compete), surely it's worthwhile to carefully consider which strategies you want to be the best.  In many cases, there will be no wrong choice, but sometimes, if you don't plan it out correctly, you can make something that many people will see as unfair.

My pad didn't register the last note and you beat me by 700,000!
I totally should've won!

A summary of what I hate

Oh man, where do I begin?  I hate the people who are rude and disrespectful (who doesn't?)...  And the people who put themselves and their desires before everything else...  And people who are closed-minded.  People who think that their methods, their opinions, their way of living, are the only right answers, and that everything else is somehow wrong.  People who are so certain in things that they try and force others to think the same, even when those things aren't certain, and maybe aren't even true.  Yeah I hate people like that.

I also don't like the cold much either.  I mean, I kind of like snow, but not when it's freezing cold and blowing in your face as you walk through it.

Which is what it will probably be like tomorrow.

Get a life

That's a phrase that always bugs me.  Just like, "You have too much time on your hands."  You say that like it's a bad thing.

But seriously, what life is one supposed to get?  You say that like some style of living is better than others, like certain lifestyles aren't actually "a life", like there's only certain ways that life ought to be lived.  But there can't be an answer to that, unless... you've found the meaning of life?!  Tell me, cause I'd love to know!  In fact, you ought to tell the entire world your meaning of life, cause I'm sure the world would love to know too.

How good are you?

Well how do you answer that question?  I mean, what definition of good do you use?  And why that definition?  I mean, I could give a definition of good, but would you completely agree with it..?

Hm... I feel like I've already written this.  But I guess there's other things to write about that go with this title.

Opinions as facts

People seem to ask a lot about how good things are, like “Is this a good movie?” or “How good is that game?” and I always find it a hard question to answer.  I mean, what do you want me to say?  At best I can say I liked that movie or I didn’t like that game, but that doesn’t mean that you or anyone else will feel the same way.  But a lot of people had no problem asking those questions, and a lot of people had no problem answering them too.

Not that I had any problem with that.  What I disliked, was when people expected others to feel the same way.

Constructive Criticism

People give constructive criticism and advice to be helpful.  Surely that’s not a bad thing.  But even good intentions aren’t enough to ensure that constructive criticism will be helpful.  There are some people who just don’t appreciate advice as much as others.  I mean, I guess I am one of those people.

The thing was, if you just plainly give advice, it’s likely that it will seem as though you’re making a lot of assumptions.  Assumptions that can be seen as insulting.  Assumptions such as: the person you are advising has never considered what you are saying before, or that you are completely right, or that the other person is completely wrong.

Never in anger

I said that I gained a lot from living with a personality that considered all the options and was willing to accept anything.  One thing was that I could take all the problems the world gave me, and never get angry, as long as I didn’t want to.  If you could accept anything, then you could forgive anyone for any mistakes they ever made.

Game Design: Puzzle game

The game designs I've written about before on here haven't been very recent ideas, but here's one that's brand new.  Because I'm really interested in trying this game out, it'll almost certainly be created.  I haven't written any code for it yet, but if I get really into coding it, it might be playable in a few days.  Otherwise, I'd guess it'd take a week or two.

I thought all the strategy and the mind games and the skills required to play Puyo Pop at the highest level looked really cool.  Unfortunately, you need to be at a very skilled at the game before you can even implement those high level strategies effectively.  What if, what if I could make a multiplayer puzzle game in which all those strategies could be used effectively, but which had a simpler matching/chaining scheme?  That thought was the driving force behind a game that I'll call for now (for a lack of a better name): Pipelining.

Initial tile design

The general concept behind the game is that you place pipe blocks so that they connect together, and then you can drop something into a pipe to set off a chain.  At first, I thought it seemed really simple, so to make it harder, I would make it where you couldn't rotate pieces.  But then I thought, well, maybe rotating should be allowed, but the chain can only enter from one side of the pipe block.  Now I'm feeling like both of those ideas would make the game really tough; it'd be interesting for single player or a hard mode, but that wasn't the goal of this game.  The normal mode should probably just allow rotating, and allow entry from any side.

The plan now is that there will be the 5 basic blocks (half line, L, full line, T, and cross), along with a garbage block that only goes away when a neighboring block is destroyed, and a destroyer block, which destroys the block it's dropped on.  The ability to trade with a save piece will also be included.  For starting combos, after every 5 (or maybe more) moves, you'll get a "starter drop."  You can store up to 3 of them, and then use them whenever you want.  When you drop it into a pipe it sets off a chain.

I'm expecting to use some kind of scoring method similar to: 25*(1+.5*H+.1*(M-1))*M*C, where C is the chain number (the number of steps in the chain so far: multiple blocks being destroyed at once only counts as 1 step), M is the match size (the number of pieces being destroyed at the current step), and H is the number of half line blocks being destroyed (the one in the bottom right corner of the example).  [I might increase the 25 or the .1, or both.]  The amount of garbage sent will be 1 block per 100 points.

Tomorrow

For a procrastinator like me, the fact that there was a "tomorrow" was enough to lose the motivation to do things "today."  Why do now what you can put off until later?  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't break that mentality.  That existence of a tomorrow stopped me from accomplishing most of the goals I set for today.

And yet, I always believed I could change.  I could overcome this.
I never did though.  I've surely failed enough times that a reasonable person would consider it pointless to go on trying.  But I don't know, maybe I'm just not very reasonable.
There was one hope: the existence of a tomorrow.  No matter how many times I failed, at least I would have another chance.  Maybe I couldn't do it today, but at least there was always a tomorrow.

Procrastination

[Well, there there were a couple of things I was going to write that I skipped just because I didn't feel like writing them.  Yeah, most of the breaks between posts are for no other reason than, well, procrastination or just not feeling like writing whatever I intended to write next.  By the way, I have some stuff due in like 13 hours that I'm procrastinating on.  I mean, I like procrastination, so I put procrastination in my procrastination so I can procrastinate while I procrastinate.]

~I sat there and watched the time slip away.  Watched my goals slip away.  This wasn't how it was supposed to be.  This wasn't who I was supposed to be!!  Why?  What am I doing?!  Or, more importantly, what am I not doing, and why am I not doing it?!  I silently raged at myself.  I was being a fool.  If I was really a smart person, or not even smart, if I was at least a semi-reasonable person, then why would I bet everything on nothing?!  You didn't have to be a genius to understand how illogical the choice was.  I could do what I needed to do, or I could leave my future to chance.  I could do what I wanted to do, or I could throw away whatever talent I had.  All for no reason at all.  For all the control I had over my mind, the control over my feelings and my emotions and my desires, all of it was thrown into chaos by one thing that I seemed to be unable control.  Procrastination.  Why?!!  Whyyyyyyy-----???!!! I screamed as I fell to my knees...~

Game Design: A Massive RPG

I used to make my own RPGs on my TI-83 calculator, so when I learned a way to program on the computer, I wanted to make another RPG.  I wanted to make a story that you had a lot of control over, a lot more than the usual "read the story and maybe make an occasional choice" style.  I wanted to make something where you have personality ratings, like an outgoing rating, a politeness rating, etc.  At the beginning of the game, you would respond to some things, and based on those responses, you would get your initial ratings.  For example, the game would say something like "When I see a crowd of people, I-" and you choose from "1) Run and hide," "2) Ignore them," "3) Look for someone I'd talk to," "4) Jump in with the crowd," "5) Do something to make everyone look at me!"  You would also choose a lot of things to say or do throughout the game, and those choices would also affect your personality ratings.  And then your personality would naturally affect what you could say or do.  Maybe in a certain situation, the choices for a really quiet person would be things like "...", "Um...", and "Excuse me, but...", and the choices for a really loud person would be "Hey, get out of the way!", "Would you please move?!", and "Man, what's your problem?!"  It might get kind of ridiculous at the extremes, but as a gamer, I'd enjoy investigating what my character could say if they had the lowest or highest possible rating in different areas.

Then, other main characters would have a friendship rating telling how much they liked (or hated) you, and that would change based on what kind of person you were and what you said.  Then you could progress towards different friendships, different enemies, and, eventually, different endings.  Maybe in one ending you conquer the world as a villain and in another you save the world as a hero.

Chaos and the Logistic Equation

It was in a class last fall in which I first learned a mathematical definition of chaos, and an example that exhibits chaotic behavior.  That example was the logistic equation.  Put simply, to get the next number xn+1 from the last number xn, you use the formula xn+1= r*xn*(xn-1).  That didn't look that crazy to me.  But apparently when r is greater than 3.57, you get chaotic behavior.  Not only that, but they say there's no explicit formula, in other words, if you have some value for r and some starting value x0, if you want the 100th value in the sequence you have to compute all 99 others in between, there's no formula where you plug in your 100 and just get the 100th value.  But it seemed so simple!  I knew I had experience with similar problems, recalling my efforts in finding a formula for the Fibonacci sequence.  So, I had to see what I could do with this problem.

I started off the only way I knew how: simply.  Say xn+1=2*xn.  In that case, xn=x0*2^n.  The extension to xn+1=a*xn, was simple enough, as xn=x0*a^n.  All right, what about xn+1=xn+a?  Easy, xn=a*n+x0.  I worked my way up to a formula for xn+1=a*xn+b (which I don't know off the top of my head and don't have the paper I wrote it down on).   Then I was ready for the next level.
What about xn+1=xn^2?  Well, I could solve that.  It was something like x0^(2^x), and now I had a foothold on this level.  I was looking for a solution to xn+1=a*xn^2 +b*xn+c.  All I had to do was find the correct additions and extensions to the formula and I would solve that problem along with the logistic equation.

To be or not to be good at everything

As long as it was true that the best way to improve in something was to spend time doing it (or studying it, researching it, etc...), then there was a drawback to trying to be good at everything.

You might lose the chance to be the best at one thing.

How to be good at everything

I always enjoy looking back at random old scrap papers or notebook pages of mine.  You could see everything from simple scoreboards and notes about video games, to detailed plans for my own games, attempts to solve random math problems, personality investigations, game theory investigations, and more.  There was even a paper on which I wrote the things I believed necessary if you wanted to become good at everything...

The Next Chapter

Classes started today for me.  This would be the beginning of my Master's program (well, I guess you could say I had done some previous work that would be a part of my Master's program already).  My degree would be in Math and Computer Science.  You were supposed to choose either the Statistics, Applied Math, or Computer Science option (in fact, the departments were soon to be separated), but I found my way to do more.  My Master's thesis would be on a project on the computer science side (although it will probably also use a reasonable amount of theoretical math), but I would be taking applied math courses instead of computer science courses.  Not only that, but I would also be doing an applied math project that could have been a thesis project, just for... well, just to have a better resume?  Just for the challenge?  Just for fun?  Just because I could?  Was I too indecisive to choose one subject, or was I choosing not to make a choice?  Heh, who knows?

I want to be a-

With all that theoretical math stuff, you might expect that I was set on a path to become a theoretical mathematician.  But, maybe ironically, I haven't taken much theoretical math in college.  It's a shame.  I could have been good at it.

I could imagine that my old physics teacher would have said I should become an astrophysicist or something.  I probably could have been good at it.  I was pretty good at chemistry too.  And I seemed to have some skill for statistics.  You know, I enjoy game design too.  Have you seen some of the games I've made?

I knew I was really fortunate to have a lot of opportunities.  PhD programs, funded PhD programs maybe, a good chance to get whichever job I wanted...
By the way, which job did I want?  Uh, I want to be a- a- I don't know...

Just before I graduated from college, the head of the computer science department gave me some advice.  She said that often the trouble with being good at so many things was that it made it hard to choose one thing you wanted to do.  But she recommended just choosing one path and sticking with it, going after it to the fullest (she advocated for a path in computer science a little, of course).  I thought it was good advice.  But I kind of wanted to ask:

The Fibonacci Sequence, Part 2

The last time I wrote about the Fibonacci sequence, I mentioned an explicit formula giving the numbers of the sequence.  That post made me think back on another problem, one for which I had already come up with a method that I believed would solve the problem, although I never followed through on it completely.
What if the sequence didn't start with 1, 1?

Can I make you smarter?

I've had people say to me things like, "I wish I was as smart as you" or "Can you just give me some of your smarts?" (No! Never! I want it all for myself! Oh wait, that's not even possible...)  Well I don't know of a way to transfer smartness, but, if you're willing to work with me, maybe I could find a way to make you "smarter".  Is what I sometimes wanted to say (although I never actually did).

What makes me special

Well, nothing, maybe.
I argued that point as much as I possibly could.  I thought it would be foolish to think highly of my own ability.  First of all, I couldn't expect myself to be able to judge myself correctly, and second of all, I'd lose my reason to push myself, my drive to improve, if I thought I was already good.  If I wanted to show that there was truly something special about me, it was going to have to be through some kind of undeniable proof.  And the one least accepting of any of it was going to be me.
Few things are absolute.  It was very likely that I would never find that certain proof I required of myself.  Still, there were some things that were hard to deny.

Teachers and classmates probably figured that it was math that was my specialty, although my old physics teacher would also recognize my skills in physics, my old chemistry teacher wouldn't doubt my skills in chemistry, etc...  Sure I was good at math, but I've competed in enough math competitions that I didn't win to know that it was possible to be better.
A glance through my YouTube channel might make you think that video games or maybe programming was what I was best at.  Well, I really didn't have as much programming experience as I could have, and as for video games, for many of the things I did someone existed who could do them better.
The thing is, I don't think it's one thing specifically that I'm good at.  I think it's... well...
everything.

Intelligence

What does it mean to be "intelligent"?  I mean, you'd be a fool if you called yourself smart without having some clear definition of intelligence.

Merrian-Webster's dictionary gives this as the first definition of intelligence:

(1) : the ability to learn or understand or to deal with new or trying situations : reason; also : the skilled use of reason (2) : the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one's environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (as tests)

 But, even after looking at Wikipedia and online dictionaries, there are still a lot of things that I'm unclear on.  The following questions are asked with the knowledge that there is no set scientific definition of intelligence, so there really probably aren't any right answers.

Memory

A good friend of mine once told me that they say that the further back into your childhood you can remember, the smarter you are.  (He then proceeded to tell me, in detail, about some of the things that happened when he was really young.)  By that standard, the only type of genius I would be is the self-proclaimed kind.  I remember hardly anything from elementary school (I'm not even sure I remember my teachers' names).  Even from middle school and high school, most of what I remember is blurry, more general concepts than specific details.  A lot of mistakes stand out, some trivial (I can't believe I said "matrixes" instead of "matrices" in front of 2 friends who wouldn't care over 3 years ago) and some more serious (I can't believe I didn't turn in that assignment what, 6 years ago, 7 years ago?).  But, in order to not torment myself pointlessly, I've tried to stop myself from focusing on all of my mistakes, somewhat successfully.  Other than that, I don't remember much more than the big events that happened.

And that's not even it.  People, faces (I tended not to look at people's faces much) and names (I didn't use names much either); I didn't seem to remember those very well either.  Directions, places, scenery...
Did I ever suffer from amnesia?  I'm not sure; I can't remember.

But you know they say there's always two sides to every story.  And you could probably guess by now that this is only half of it.

Recently Played Games

These would have been recent if I had actually wrote this a while ago.  Back at the end of the semester, I started playing a lot of online games.  I saw a video of someone playing Pixel Purge and got motivated to try and beat their high score.  I also went for the highest level I could get and got 40-something... it was enough to get max level in all but one category.  Then I played some word games.  I haven't played Word Bubbles in a while but I've played Scramble pretty recently.

My highest score (under current score).  That's 8 digits, by the way.

Character Description 2

His quiet exterior concealed a true desire to succeed.  As he would tell his story, it was with pure determination with which he would make his way up the ranks.  And while it was true that he would never lose a fight for lack of effort, there was something else…  Along with this will to succeed, he seemed to have a lot of talent too.  His energy level and physical strength weren’t spectacular, but he found ways to overcome those problems.  With an unyielding spirit, he increased his energy in times of need, and with a sharp mind, he always seemed to find a way to win.  Still, you could only hide your weaknesses so much.  When determination and strategy alone were not enough, he trained to improve on these weaknesses.


His life was one of politeness and respect.  He never really got angry; in fact, he never really showed much emotion at all.  He never really expressed his thoughts either, so most of his feelings and opinions were unknown.  Yet, he must have been fueled by some powerful drive to become the best.

Game Design: Wii shoot 'em up

I enjoy playing most shoot 'em up games, so I thought, "If I could make one, what would it be like?"  When I thought of making it on the Wii, I knew what I wanted one of the main features to be (something that I would be surprised if it hasn't been thought of, although I don't know any shmup games that use it): aiming with the Wii remote.

You would move with the nunchuck and aim with the wii remote, and you could fire in any direction across the screen (your shot travels in a straight line from your ship to where you are aiming on the screen, and goes until it goes off the screen).  As a designer, you could do a lot more with moving the screen in different directions rather than just vertical or just horizontal scrolling, and you could also have enemies appear from any direction.  It would be an interesting new challenge, having to aim and move separately.  That would be like the main new concept of the game, but beyond that, there are lots of other features that I would consider including.

How I tell my story.

Everything that's been written up to now has meaning in its own right.  But, there is a story to be told, and this is all a part of that too.

You might have noticed a lot of posts that relate back to previous posts, or build up to a larger post.  Yes, the story was somewhat meant to be read in order, just not as much as a normal story I suppose.

The story could be told in many ways, none of which were inaccurate.  A single event could be described as a huge, life-defining moment, despite being something that could also be thought of as being fairly ordinary, or an event could be overlooked despite being something that might be considered important.

I never really focused as much on people's appearances and on details of the surroundings, preferring instead to pay attention to thoughts and emotions and abilities.  So, in a way, the story up to now has been describing the "setting."  This post is what I would call...

The end of part 1 of the introduction.

The past blends into the present, and maybe provides a hint to the future.  I look back at the story lines that have finished and can bring back a lot of feelings.  Contradictory ones, like always.  It was all so insane, so epic, so pointless, so awful.  It was all a mistake.  The things I did, the things I didn't do.  The world shouldn't have been allowed to run like that.  But maybe, maybe I didn't really make that many mistakes.  It all depended on what you considered "wrong."

I was someone who could accomplish the impressive without really trying, and often did.  The thing with that was, if you wanted a reason to try, you weren't going to find it as easily from outside; you had to look into yourself.

Introspection revealed a tumultuous peace.  A descent into insanity or perhaps a rise to perfect logic.  You see, I always thought it was better not to be so confident that you are right about things, about the world.  I guess you could say I thought this was right.  And, believing myself to be right, I followed the path to the extreme.  I finally admitted that I myself wasn't right, and with that, I reached the end of the path.

A part of me said to go back.  If this was what it meant to be, well, not wrong, then maybe I didn't care about being wrong at all!  Living that life, existing in such a manner, it made me understand how much I gained from such a personality, which really was quite a bit.  It also made me realize how much I lost, which was quite a bit also.  I struggled to find motivation, desire, a reason, a passion...

I guess you could say I lost my purpose.

Or, maybe, there was never such a thing as an individual "purpose" at all.

The only hope for finding a purpose came from a part of me that would never stop believing in my own ability to change.  I would overcome this, and any other problem that faced me.  This was the part of me that, often foolishly, would never admit defeat.  Who cares if there was no such thing as a purpose?!  Who cares if it never existed at all!  I would MAKE my own!!!, and I would make it a reality.  I don't care if it "can't be done!"  I will find an answer.  This problem, like any other problem, was just a challenge to look forward to.

Because...

I was someone who strived to accomplish the impossible, and maybe had some special talent to do so.  Yes, that was me, and this is my story.

How you tell the story

Perhaps all that matters... is how you tell the story.

We live our lives chasing our dreams, fighting for what we believe in, caring for what matters to us.  What if, in the end, it never really mattered at all?  If our dreams were empty, our beliefs were false, and that which we cared about had no deeper meaning?

Was there really any value in running around trying to kick a ball into a net?  Was there any deeper meaning to pressing buttons on a controller?  Maybe not, but I don't think it should matter.

The Women's World Cup Finals

I didn't watch much soccer, but it wasn't exactly that I didn't like watching soccer.  It was just that I didn't really watch much TV in general.  But if I were to choose to watch something, it'd probably be sports.  Especially something with a big storyline behind it.  Like these World Cup finals.

I don't follow soccer, so I don't know much more than I happen to read, but yeah.  Japan with big upsets, first World Cup final, giving encouragement to disaster victims (and yeah, I hear a lot of stuff like "it's not even that big of a deal, it was only one part of Japan," and maybe the media's just overdramatizing it.  But is that immoral?  Not absolutely.  Although I could be wrong...)?  Then there's America, with dramatic wins to get the country interested in soccer, going for a third title.  I see a lot of: Japan, with its great technical skill and smart defense, against the big, powerful, athletic Americans.  That always makes me laugh.  Is it that obvious of a difference?  I'm expecting to see Space Jam Monstars vs the Looney Toons level difference when I watch the finals haha.  Ok, not that much, but I'm expecting to see a clear difference noticeable by even non-soccer fans.

Moral Relativism

We may spend our lives searching for the answer.  Searching for a purpose.  Our purpose.  A reason.  The meaning of it all.  What is the purpose of our existence?  What is the value of life?!

What if there isn't an answer?  What if our existence had no meaning.  What if life had no value at all.

It doesn't have to be that way.

If you didn't already realize it, this is one of the main points of this blog.  That it doesn't have to be that way.  Your judgements on people, your values, your views on the world and on right and wrong...  It just didn't have to be how you thought it should be.

People have different values, different opinions, different cultures, and the thing is, none of them were wrong.  And none of them were right.

You can see all the arguments and fights with people who know the cost of a mistake that is made, have no doubt of that which is deserved by others and by themselves in the situation, can state with absolute certainty how the world ought to run in the case they are talking about.  But the world wasn't like that.  And I thought it was worth considering, worth understanding: It doesn't have to be that way.

But the topic calls into question the value of kindness, respect, of life itself.  But, that's the next topic.  Here I'll just say that most people value life and believe in being nice, and I am of the opinion that that is a good thing.

Finally, like what was said in a part of the last post, I'm not recommending that you change yourself, your beliefs, or the way you live.  I can't see the future, and even if I could, my ideas of what is good and bad are subjective, so I can't say the world would be "better" if you accepted that things didn't have to be the way you believed.  Maybe it's true that, under your definition of worse, the world would be worse off if people followed what I said, and didn't firmly believe in their ideas as correct (although I would argue that you couldn't know that, unless you can see the future).  Although I will say that in my opinion, you should consider the topic, and then make your own decision about how to live.
But then I have to say, well, maybe I shouldn't say that I'm not recommending change.  Maybe this personality just won't lead to a better world, using a definition of better that most people would agree on (if there is one).  But maybe, even if that were true, it wouldn't matter, because that statement assumes that it is my hope that this would lead to a better world, under that definition of better, but that might not necessarily be true.  And yet, I can say that, to some extent, that is true, but, it also assumes that successfully achieving my goals is important to me.  And while that is also true, it is also assumed that that is my main goal, which may or may not be true.  And all of that is under the assumption that it is true that a personality like this won't lead to a better world.  But I can't see the future, so I can't say whether or not it would be true in the first place.
But then I'd have to say that maybe I'm over-considering this topic.  But that also takes a definition of "over," and assumes that there is some correct amount that this topic should be considered.  But I don't really agree with that.
But...

You can see why it would be ridiculous for me to say that I also considered the alternatives, and why I might be wrong, and why I'm not trying to get you to believe that I'm right, for everything I say.  And while it is probably true for most posts in the past, and will probably be true for most posts in the future (probably, but it might not be, because I could just be deceiving myself into believing that I've considered the alternatives and that this is what I want, and also there are so many things that I just might not have been aware enough to realize were also possible...), I don't plan on having something like this in every post.  But, yeah, even if it's not explicitly written, it's probably true.

It's not exactly like that...

You could see the lessons I was trying to teach, the way I saw the world, the traits I valued, the concepts I believed in, how highly I thought of myself.  But if there was anything I was good at, it was making myself, well, not exactly like that...

Smile and change it

I once read a quote on the wall of a restaurant that was something like this, "Some people grin and bear it.  Others smile and change it."

There's no reason to suffer through things unnecessarily.  Just by having the strength and the courage to act, you could make things better, for yourself and possibly for others as well.  Some people think that it would be rude to force others to change, and that it is better to "grin and bear" things.  But that's not necessarily true.  Surely society has been improved because people chose to fight for change rather than bear wrongs and injustices.

The Formula for the Fibonacci Sequence

You've probably heard of the Fibonacci sequence.  The one that goes: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8..., where each term is the sum of the last 2.  Maybe you also heard that a formula for these numbers is unknown or hasn't been found, or maybe you have found out that there actually is a formula.  It is surely a problem taught in some math class, and even a quick internet search will bring up the formula.  That formula would happen to be:

Replace the n with a 1 to get the first number in the sequence.  Put in a 2 for the 2nd, 3 for the 3rd, n for the nth...  It still seems strange to me that all those operations on the square root of 5 result in an integer sequence.
The topic reminds me of a Math Biology class last fall.  The professor asked, "How many of you have seen this before?" referring to the formula for the Fibonacci sequence.  I was the only one to raise a hand.  "And where did you see it?"  He asked if it was some math class.  "Uh..."  The answer made me proud, but I also felt a little embarrassed saying it.  "I solved it myself," I said, as normally as I possibly could.

June 22

Happy birthday to everyone whose birthday is June 22!

Madoka and Human Life and Values

So, after a lot of questions on whether or not I've finished Madoka, the guys from the anime club finally barged into my house with cords, hooked up a laptop to my tv and played the whole series.  It was a good time, and I enjoyed the show.

Puella Magi Madoka Magica

There're a lot of things you could talk about when discussing the show:
How do you like the artwork?  Isn't Kyubey (creature in the middle of above pic) just so cute?  Who's your favorite character?
Or maybe...  Best show of the season?  How about that storyline?  A wish that can grant you anything?  They didn't really deal with the wishing for more wishes or other ridiculous things like that.  I wonder what they would have added if they had more episodes...
Or, what if you analyze the deeper questions raised by the show?  Use this story as a lens to look at some difficult questions about human life and values?  Sounds like an English class?  I thought so too (not that I'd know, coming out of an engineering college).  It's what I'm going to consider in this post.  You might not want to read more if you haven't seen Madoka yet and you don't want to spoil just about everything.  But come on, who (else) would not have seen it yet but still be planning on seeing it eventually?

My Definition of Strength

Not physical strength, mental strength.  The strength to withstand all the troubles you encountered.  The strength to live through suffering and fight through pain.  But it was more than that.  It was about doing it for the sake of others.

Emotions from the past

Not that I ever was a very emotional person, but I suppose I used to let myself feel emotions more strongly.    People would say, "Wow!  Look at that guy doing DDR on Heavy!" and I would want to say, "That's only a 7-footer, I can do 10 foot songs, backwards even!"  Of course I would never actually say that, but I'd always want to.  People would say they're smart and I would think, "Man, if you're going to just call yourself a genius, you're probably not that smart."  I hated it when people who weren't that good at things bragged about themselves, or other people talked so much about them, when I could easily be better and they might never recognize me.

I used care more if I won or lost too.  You probably think, "Everyone wants to win," and yeah, I used to too.  I used to let myself be bothered by more things.  I used to care more about people getting what they deserved.  (Not that I ever knew what that was.)  Basically, I was just a totally different person.

Character Description 1

I need a name for this character. (And all other characters too.  Yeah, I hate coming up with names.)  If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave them as a comment.

She could usually be found sitting alone somewhere, staring off into the distance.  It was as if her expression was one that always gave off the impression that she was slightly annoyed at something.  Perhaps she just preferred being alone; she seemed to hate being disturbed by others.

Game Design: Platformer

I've had this idea for a platform game for a while: basically something like Super Mario Bros., but the key feature would be some kind of change of speed button.  You hold the button, and your character moves at double speed or half speed (or perhaps have a button for each).  Not just walking/running speed, but jump speed, falling speed; all movement would be affected.  And then there'd probably be a double jump feature, or maybe even triple jump, so that a designer interested in making some really complex and challenging levels could have some fun.  What could this change of speed feature add?

Likes, Preferences, and Opinions

What do I like?  Let's see...  What I like...  Um...

Uh...

          er...

                   hmm...

                                      well...

                                                              If it were taking the experimental pressure calculations from sound waves in a well controlled setting and using Hankel transforms to compute horizontal wavenumber spectra for the purpose of improving methods of modeling underwater acoustics then maybe I could answer but this is just so hard and it does not compute-

Error!  Error!  *Robot Daniel explodes.*

I won't judge you on it

Among true anime fans, if you like, say, Naruto, you're obviously a casual.  Among the hardcore fighting game fans, if you came in on the newer games like SSF4, you're a noob.  Oh, but just liking anime is enough to make you a weeaboo, whatever that is.  Being a hardcore videogamer at all is kind of... nerdy.  You wear glasses?  Like math and science?  You must be a geek.  You didn't get an A on the test, idiot?  You got an A, nerd?  Bum with no job?  Rich snob making a lot of money?  And let's not even go to religion and politics.  So, who are you, and what do you like?  Tell me, because I won't judge you on it.

An "Impossible?" Math Problem

As in, a problem from the math book "Impossible?" by Julian Havil:

There are a group of people in a room, and 15 people are given red hats and the rest are given blue hats. They can each see the color of everyone else's hats but can't see the color of their own hat. Also, they are all geniuses (and not the self-proclaimed kind, the real kind).  In other words, they all know logic perfectly (and they all know that they all know logic perfectly). A clock strikes every hour, and each person is told to leave when the clock strikes and they know they are wearing a red hat. In this situation, no one would leave, but if someone walked in and said, "At least one person is wearing a red hat," then everyone would leave after 15 strikes of the clock.  Sounds impossible, right?  (Explanation after the break)

If I were to write a story...

World Description

It was a world full of fighters, the strong and those who aspired to be.  A world ranking showed the relative skill levels of all those who participated in the system.  In this world, it was a generally accepted rule that open battles were not allowed; battles were to take place in magically created protected battle zones, in which no one would die.  However, there was no true law.  As a replacement, power became “law”.  The strongest were free to do as they pleased; the weak had to take care not to oppose those stronger on their journey to become strong themselves.

Reasons to Hate: Getting too Much Credit

Some people have really big egos.  I mean, I bet there are people out there who would go so far as to proclaim themselves a genius with no basis.  Whenever you give yourself too much credit, there are bound to be people who hate you for no other reason than that.  But I think that's not very surprising news to most people.

The Master of Everything

I was the master of everything.  I had the power to learn, which essentially meant that I could become good at everything I had the opportunity to do.  With an unyielding spirit, I would never lose a battle I cared about.    Basically, I was a true genius, and I would show the world why I deserved its respect.